“Have you seen her ? she put on weight”
Yes, I hear you , this could be my ego thinking FAR too much about myself. It’s definitely possible. I’ve been known to do that every now and then. But, what is also possible is that these words truly are whispered. We know this is true. We have all been on both sides of this conversation – the one telling the scandalous secret or the one receiving. I recall an incident a few months ago when I was with a male friend who turned to me with saucer wide eyes after seeing a mutual female friend who had put on weight. His reaction and the way we whisper ” SHE GOT FAT” is precisely why the world is wrought with fear to gain weight. This is why this fear grips us so tightly. What will people think of me ? What will they say ? Will I be good enough ? Will they leave. This is precisely why the diet industry is the most lucrative business in the world.
I was thinking about it this morning and I was thinking about what my own personal weight gain has meant to me that past 2 months. It has been perhaps my greatest teacher yet. What is has taught me is how much power I put on things outside of me to determine my worth, still, after all these years. Even though I know so deeply that nothing outside of me can bring me happiness, I still get dressed every day and hope you think I am pretty. I still hope and pray I am good enough. So, the past 2 months I’ve been digging deeper. I’ve been putting on the bigger jeans, the bigger shirts, I have been taking all my courage and walking in and I’ve been relying on what’s inside of me to get through the day instead of what’s outside. So frickin scary. I’ve been relying on my spirit, my soul and my heart. Holy shit. This is what I have learned thus far : I am still who I am whether I am in a bigger body or a littler body. I am still Stacey Lynn Wagner, daughter, mama, wife, friend, Nana, probation agent, Gods beloved daughter, sister and auntie. I am still pretty amazing and funny and awesome. I still love with all my heart. I still feel so much compassion, in fact a ton more. Here is what else I have learned – ice cream with my grandson is my favorite kind. Pizza and red velvet cake on my birthday was my favorite one yet ,cookies made with my daughter and granddaughter taste best and cupcakes with my step mom is a memory I will forever cherish. I feel like a newcomer to this world where there is so much besides what we look like, and that we are worthy of love no matter what ~ it’s a bit humbling and I’m embarrassed that I lived in the material world so long but I am so grateful to have stumbled onto this new world. Thanks for having me.