Half a life time old.

In 2 weeks it will be my 45th birthday. 45 is a big number. At the guaranteed risk of continuing to share how shallow this brain can be – I commence-

Ten years ago, I recall telling myself that “when I was 45” I would have it all together. I’m totally serious. 45 to me Is half of a lifetime. I’ve lived the first up until now and today begins the second half. As this has been approaching, the past few years, I have been preparing for how I wanted to be in my last half, mostly physically. I wanted to FINALLY have the body I’ve always longed for, that has to be something you acquire by the time your 45 right ?! It has to be. We have deprived ourselves cake and ice-cream for all of these years, 45 has got to be the pay off right ? God has to give that one to you. Otherwise, if you go into menopause fat, you’re surely going to end up …..Obese! Gross! Washed up! Forgotten… Alone..

The way I’ve historically seen it, if you have thinness you can then go on and help all Gods people and feel good about yourself in your good body. Then they can talk about how great of a person you are in your good body. You will be adored and admired. Ad nauseum. Because all that matters in life is that men want to be with you and women want to be you. My goal, even if I didn’t say it out loud, was to be wanted. At all times. To be outwardly beautiful until the day I died. There was nothing else. It was an insatiable thirst.. Again, yes, I’m being serious. A good heart was good, but beauty was essential. This has been my brain. How thoroughly exhausting. And empty.

I read a quote recently by someone I really admire, she said “what I am now is the product of a lot of years of self-loathing, a few years of self-loving, and 43 years of being a human being. What I am now is OK.” She went on to say “I thought that being thin was the answer to my happiness, but it wasn’t. It was the answer to some things- more attention, a wider range of clothing options, fewer sideways glances from my grandmother over the gravy boat- but there were many things that being thin couldn’t do. Making me happy was one of them. I know from experience that my weight is almost irrelevant to my happiness. So I am choosing to stay fat.”
Jonie Delman’s words have been blowing me away. I have been meditating on them. Because she sings my song. I too have made a conscious choice to not diet and to stay fat. I have been accepting what is my body right now. I’ve been looking for my beauty in things other than my looks. I’ve been looking for it in my laughter and in my heart. And , for the first time in my life, I’m finding it. I am finding that who I am is so much more than my skin. It is my spirit, it is the love I have for you. Who I am is God inside of me.

My entire life until now has been chasing cool. How could I be cool. No, not just cool, the coolest! If my husband was remotely acting uncool I would scold him under my breath and put him in line. You see, He was making me look stupid.- (what I didn’t know is that I was doing a fine job by myself) I am realizing that the slickest people out there are the ones who do not care what anyone else in the world thinks of them. The ones who everyone else laughs at and they continue to be who they are. They continue to sing their song. Now those are some cool cats. For the next 45 years I want to learn from them. I want to learn from the ones I have hushed, the ones I have silently and outwardly judged. I want to look in their eyes and find their beauty. Teach me how to be uncool, how to be me. I have so much to learn but I am up for the challenge.

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