I am walking around in my underwear and my hoodie today in an attempt to befriend these thighs that, in spite all of my attempts to ignore for 45 years, are not going away. Don’t worry, no one else is home. Just the dogs get to see this show today.
For the past , oh 30+ years, I have followed some plan of eating. Whether it was given to me from a nutritionist, a doctor or a website, in points, macros, carbs, calories, cups, TBS, or ounces, I have CLOSELY, often times obsessively, monitored what I ate. I haven’t had birthday cake on my birthday for about 5 years now. Before that, I counted how many points it would put me in the negative ~ and I was ALWAYS in the negative (by the way, my birthday is in 27 days and I am looking very much forward to marble cake with cream cheese frosting this year, with ice cream thankyouverymuch) And as any good dieting woman knows all too well… we can only be good for so long. So, I would fall off, over and over and over and when I fall, I would fall hard and berate myself for being so weak willed and lazy. This would lead to more binging because, “what’s the use anyhow “ right ? After these binges, I would often times take laxatives because the only thing that matters is that we are skinny right !?!? RIGHT !! Pay no mind to the heart palpitations and dehydration.
Well, about a month ago, I decided I was done. (Again, as I have tried this before but was not ready to face the fears of gaining weight and judgement from others ~ who knew how debilitating this fear really was ) I was done listening to the tapes that told me that my worth was only as good as how I looked. Or let me take it one step further, I was only as “spiritual as I looked” ~ If I were even remotely fat, that meant I was not pleasing to God and I must be using food for emotional needs rather than God. Well guess, what ? FOOD IS EMOTIONAL! The first thing we did when we were born was bond with our mother at her breast. That’s about as emotional as it gets. Secondly, when women’s bodies fluctuate each month , they crave and need certain things, like higher carb foods that nurture them and increase serotonin.
Since making this decision , I have been eating things that have been sinful to me for a long time. I have thourougly enjoyed delicious lasagna made by my aunt Cathy, I have had a greasy burger and cheese fries, custard and Christmas cookies, (oh the Christmas cookies) … and yesterday I had carrot cake for breakfast and today it was Chili. Yes, chili for breakfast. I am learning to ask my body what is hungry for today. And yes, I am gaining weight. How much, I do not know. I refuse to weigh myself. I have also taken down my full-length mirror. Not because I am avoiding looking, but I want how I feel about myself to come from the inside instead of outside right now. I have looked outside from compliments and at so many numbers to tell me if I was good or not… the numbers on the scale, the size of the clothing. I am choosing to completely disregard them today. Who I am is so much more than a number.
So, my news years resolution: My resolution is to not diet in 2019. To not determine my worth on how I look. To determine it based on my spirit, my soul… and to continue to enjoy the shit out of some carrot cake. Happy New Year !