Half a life time old.

In 2 weeks it will be my 45th birthday. 45 is a big number. At the guaranteed risk of continuing to share how shallow this brain can be – I commence-

Ten years ago, I recall telling myself that “when I was 45” I would have it all together. I’m totally serious. 45 to me Is half of a lifetime. I’ve lived the first up until now and today begins the second half. As this has been approaching, the past few years, I have been preparing for how I wanted to be in my last half, mostly physically. I wanted to FINALLY have the body I’ve always longed for, that has to be something you acquire by the time your 45 right ?! It has to be. We have deprived ourselves cake and ice-cream for all of these years, 45 has got to be the pay off right ? God has to give that one to you. Otherwise, if you go into menopause fat, you’re surely going to end up …..Obese! Gross! Washed up! Forgotten… Alone..

The way I’ve historically seen it, if you have thinness you can then go on and help all Gods people and feel good about yourself in your good body. Then they can talk about how great of a person you are in your good body. You will be adored and admired. Ad nauseum. Because all that matters in life is that men want to be with you and women want to be you. My goal, even if I didn’t say it out loud, was to be wanted. At all times. To be outwardly beautiful until the day I died. There was nothing else. It was an insatiable thirst.. Again, yes, I’m being serious. A good heart was good, but beauty was essential. This has been my brain. How thoroughly exhausting. And empty.

I read a quote recently by someone I really admire, she said “what I am now is the product of a lot of years of self-loathing, a few years of self-loving, and 43 years of being a human being. What I am now is OK.” She went on to say “I thought that being thin was the answer to my happiness, but it wasn’t. It was the answer to some things- more attention, a wider range of clothing options, fewer sideways glances from my grandmother over the gravy boat- but there were many things that being thin couldn’t do. Making me happy was one of them. I know from experience that my weight is almost irrelevant to my happiness. So I am choosing to stay fat.”
Jonie Delman’s words have been blowing me away. I have been meditating on them. Because she sings my song. I too have made a conscious choice to not diet and to stay fat. I have been accepting what is my body right now. I’ve been looking for my beauty in things other than my looks. I’ve been looking for it in my laughter and in my heart. And , for the first time in my life, I’m finding it. I am finding that who I am is so much more than my skin. It is my spirit, it is the love I have for you. Who I am is God inside of me.

My entire life until now has been chasing cool. How could I be cool. No, not just cool, the coolest! If my husband was remotely acting uncool I would scold him under my breath and put him in line. You see, He was making me look stupid.- (what I didn’t know is that I was doing a fine job by myself) I am realizing that the slickest people out there are the ones who do not care what anyone else in the world thinks of them. The ones who everyone else laughs at and they continue to be who they are. They continue to sing their song. Now those are some cool cats. For the next 45 years I want to learn from them. I want to learn from the ones I have hushed, the ones I have silently and outwardly judged. I want to look in their eyes and find their beauty. Teach me how to be uncool, how to be me. I have so much to learn but I am up for the challenge.

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My New Years Resolutions ~

I am walking around in my underwear and my hoodie today in an attempt to befriend these thighs that, in spite all of my attempts to ignore for 45 years, are not going away. Don’t worry, no one else is home. Just the dogs get to see this show today.
For the past , oh 30+ years, I have followed some plan of eating. Whether it was given to me from a nutritionist, a doctor or a website, in points, macros, carbs, calories, cups, TBS, or ounces, I have CLOSELY, often times obsessively, monitored what I ate. I haven’t had birthday cake on my birthday for about 5 years now. Before that, I counted how many points it would put me in the negative ~ and I was ALWAYS in the negative (by the way, my birthday is in 27 days and I am looking very much forward to marble cake with cream cheese frosting this year, with ice cream thankyouverymuch) And as any good dieting woman knows all too well… we can only be good for so long. So, I would fall off, over and over and over and when I fall, I would fall hard and berate myself for being so weak willed and lazy. This would lead to more binging because, “what’s the use anyhow “ right ? After these binges, I would often times take laxatives because the only thing that matters is that we are skinny right !?!? RIGHT !! Pay no mind to the heart palpitations and dehydration.

Well, about a month ago, I decided I was done. (Again, as I have tried this before but was not ready to face the fears of gaining weight and judgement from others ~ who knew how debilitating this fear really was ) I was done listening to the tapes that told me that my worth was only as good as how I looked. Or let me take it one step further, I was only as “spiritual as I looked” ~ If I were even remotely fat, that meant I was not pleasing to God and I must be using food for emotional needs rather than God. Well guess, what ? FOOD IS EMOTIONAL! The first thing we did when we were born was bond with our mother at her breast. That’s about as emotional as it gets. Secondly, when women’s bodies fluctuate each month , they crave and need certain things, like higher carb foods that nurture them and increase serotonin.

Since making this decision , I have been eating things that have been sinful to me for a long time. I have thourougly enjoyed delicious lasagna made by my aunt Cathy, I have had a greasy burger and cheese fries, custard and Christmas cookies, (oh the Christmas cookies) … and yesterday I had carrot cake for breakfast and today it was Chili. Yes, chili for breakfast. I am learning to ask my body what is hungry for today. And yes, I am gaining weight. How much, I do not know. I refuse to weigh myself. I have also taken down my full-length mirror. Not because I am avoiding looking, but I want how I feel about myself to come from the inside instead of outside right now. I have looked outside from compliments and at so many numbers to tell me if I was good or not… the numbers on the scale, the size of the clothing. I am choosing to completely disregard them today. Who I am is so much more than a number.
So, my news years resolution: My resolution is to not diet in 2019. To not determine my worth on how I look. To determine it based on my spirit, my soul… and to continue to enjoy the shit out of some carrot cake. Happy New Year !

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